A Few More #TrumpBible Verses

October 20, 2017

Illustration by Jordan Awan

This piece originally appeared in The New Yorker on September 3, 2015. To read it on The New Yorker website, click here.

“Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump hasn’t been shy on the campaign trail about his Presbyterian faith…. He’s also professed his love for the Bible on many occasions, calling it “the greatest book of all time.” But when given the opportunity to share one or two of his favorite Bible verses, he was uncharacteristically mum…. As a result, the Twitterverse decided to do it for him. That’s where #TrumpBible comes in.”    —CNN.


In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was TERRIFIC. And also HUUUUGE. #TrumpBible

And Jesus went out into the desert. But he should’ve invested in hotels there. I mean, I’m killing it in Vegas. A LOT of money. #TrumpBible

He rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Silence! Be still!” But Jorge Ramos kept talking and talking. #TrumpBible

Love covers a multitude of sins. Sure. But you’d be nuts not to get a prenup. I mean, c’mon. #TrumpBible

And I saw a beast coming out of the sea. It had 10 horns & 7 heads & a 9PM show on Fox. Correct-o-mundo. It was Megyn Kelly. #TrumpBible

And afterward Joshua, son of Nun, died at the age of 110, full of years & with a prostate the size of Shechem & Gilgal combined. #TrumpBible

And Saul told his warriors, “Mexico’s destroying us. We’re a laughingstock.” “We know,” they replied. “Mexico is the new China.”#TrumpBible

And Jesus came to them walking on the waves and said, “Have you seen the polls? I’m, like, WAY ahead. It’s not even close.” #TrumpBible

Blessed are the dealmakers. Who needs to inherit? #TrumpBible

And the Lord beheld the Tower they built on the plain of Shinar & said, “Black w/chrome & gold? I don’t think so. Pls try again.” #TrumpBible

Take a little wine for thy stomach’s sake. And if you’re eating the Surf & Turf you can go with the red OR the white. Your call. #TrumpBible

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. For a season. #TrumpBible

So in the evening quail covered the camp & I was like, “Really, Lord? Quail? I assume you’re trying to impress us, b/c WOW.” #TrumpBible

And Pharaoh said to Moses, “Do you know how many Hispanics I have working for me?” #TrumpBible

Nathan said to David, “You are the man!” And David said, “No, YOU are the man!” And they high-fived each other. It was fabulous. #TrumpBible

Then there came a tax collector & I said, “Good luck, because I’ve got the best tax lawyers. I mean, they’re monsters. Forget it.” #TrumpBible

And after the wind came an earthquake & he was not in the earthquake. So I’m like, c’mon already. Where are you? I’m a busy man. #TrumpBible

Among whom was Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of Jesus, and the mother of James & John. Three classy ladies. TREMENDOUS class. #TrumpBible

Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old, but even young she was nothing to look at, so you can just imagine. #TrumpBible

Do not rebuke an older man harshly, unless he calls your followers “crazies.” #TrumpBible

Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but I have duplexes with views of the East River. The Chinese are buying them like crazy. #TrumpBible

A good wife, who can find? I found three. #TrumpBible

You’ve heard it said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth,” but I say unto you, that’s lousy negotiating. Why break even? #TrumpBible

A good name is better than fine perfume. But nothing’s better than Trump Cologne. #TrumpBible

At the Last Supper, Jesus said to Judas, “What you must do, do quickly. And do it under budget if possible. Unheard of, right?” #TrumpBible

A sower went out to sow. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love sowers. But they’re killing us. They’re sending us their worst sowers. #TrumpBible

A man went to Jericho & he was set upon by thieves. Because they have lousy security in Jericho. The unions destroyed it there. #TrumpBible

Moses saw that the bush was on fire but was not consumed, because, face it, the bush was low-energy. #TrumpBible

A prophet is not without honor except in his home town. But I was born in Queens, so who cares? #TrumpBible

When Paul & Silas were praying, an earthquake shook the jail & all the doors were opened, because none of it was built to code. #TrumpBible

A man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a piece of property. But they were the worst negotiators. They got killed. #TrumpBible

Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. Wait a minute—I don’t want to get that specific. #TrumpBible