Vice-President Joe Biden today claimed to have “built Al Gore from scratch” in his Delaware garage two decades ago, using “spare parts” from a Toro lawn mower and “an old Frigidaire that my father-in-law put there and forgot about.”
Biden twinkled at the memory: “If he knew that the air compressor from his Frigidaire was travelling the world talking about global warming he’d be spinning in his grave! Pop-pop hated the Gores with a passion!”
Biden’s bizarre claim that he had been building robots from his youth — and had built Al Gore over a long weekend in 1983 — startled the crowd at the Washington Marriott hotel where he was giving a speech on trade quotas. “The man the world knows as Al Gore, Jr. is my final and my greatest creation! Through him I have been able to build the internet and through him — I consider him my son, of course, and he calls me ‘Fa-fa’ — I have won the Nobel Prize! But I’m happy to let Al have credit for both. It’s amazing what you can get accomplished if you aren’t looking to take credit for it. By the way, that’s my line, not Reagan’s!”
“Through Al and the internet,” he went on, raising his hands, “I control much of the known world today. By any reasonable measure… I am a god! Behold me!!”
Biden said that Tipper Gore was “in on the secret,” but had bought into the idea of “marrying” a robot so that she could be “close to power.” “It’s DC power,” he said. “Get it?! You gotta be quick!”
Biden went on: “Tipper’d die if she knew I was talking about this! But a guy gets to a certain age and he realizes some secrets aren’t worth keeping. Doggone it! I’m the creator of Al Gore!! I’m damned proud of that! That doesn’t mean Al does everything I want — but every ’son’ has to stray from his old man now and again to show he’s his own person. The Lord knows Al’s not a person in the normal sense — you can’t have a rear end full of freon and be a person like you or I — but in every other sense Al Gore is his own person and I’ve respected that — even though I created his ass and he knows it!
“Besides,” quipped Biden, ” I could shut him down any time, so he better watch his step! I’m the only one who knows how to keep those old servos working!! Al has to report to me every few months or he’ll begin to whine and sizzle and spark! The press just think we’re two veeps meeting for lunch, but Al and I know the real poop. I’m extending his damn life!”
Angry GOP leaders said Biden was “a publicity hound who took credit for everything, including the surge in Iraq, which he and President Obama had originally opposed. Let him take the credit for creating Al Gore. That’s one he can have.” The White House had no comment.